So, let’s begin with my uncovering of my sexual variances. Let’s begin with that.
Or let’s begin with my struggle with the notion of acceptance.
That is a hearty topic to cover.
But let’s not get me into trouble.
Let’s discuss self-love in the face of a society that is geared toward shaming you and acting aggressively towards anything different.
Why just the other day I saw a man criticize another man on the basketball court because he had called a foul. The man, the indictor, the small one, the one who was poor at playing the game, he was. He was poor at the game. He was the worst on the team. So, before I go into my mishigas. Before I tell you about myself and my mishigas. Let me tell you about myself after I tell you about this story. So, you know how I feel about certain people reading this here piece. The man in question indicted another man for calling a foul. The man in question was the worst man on a team of men. The man in question was a very poor ballplayer.
You know what I said to myself when I saw what I saw?
I said, “Incompetence breeds anger.”
And I stand by that.
You know how I acted when I saw what I saw?
I stared at the man. And I stared at the men who cheered on the man. I stared at the men who exclaimed, “You call that a foul? Where was the foul?! What the fuck.” I stared at that group of men as well, not mad-dog style but for a good enough period of time, so they would know I was watching them if they cared at all to know such a thing. I am 6’5 but though I am very tall I am incredibly skinny, borderline emaciated, and so when I stared at them, they must have thought, “This man is very large but also very skinny. I could probably kick his ass.” They did not think that I don’t think, I don’t think they looked at me at all. But when I looked at them, I thought, “I could kick your ass.” But I wasn’t entirely certain of that.
So, myself and my demons. I wish to have a daughter or a son at some point. I’m about to release a book that divulges many secrets I have about myself. About my sexual fantasies. The hope was to make a better world for me. I did not wish to live in a world where I was forced to lie. This desire came out of the movement of the indie-lit scene. I saw so many brave artists like Megan Boyle and Tao Lin live in radical honesty with themselves. I felt inspired to do the same.
But that is not like even 80% of what motivated me. To this day I am not certain entirely and it is unlikely that I was motivated by one thing.
But one of the things.
I wanted to become an author who was read by many. I felt that if I discussed these taboo topics it would put more eyes on my work and thus make more people aware of how good I was at what I did. It was a sort of way to shock people into becoming interested in me. By the way, how is that any different from what I am doing now?
Like at the end of the day am I only interested in fame? What is this whole thing?
I wonder often if writing is not the thing I could be best at. In honor of that feeling, I am making YouTube videos and streaming on Twitch.
Anyways. Onward with writing something I hope others will enjoy.