I find myself often in life mentoring teenagers as they struggle with university and high school. These are men who feel alien in the society they live in. Feel like they are not accepted and even bullied for who they are and what they enjoy doing. These men play video games. I am also confronted with the fact that if these men read the book I am about to put out they may be scared of me, feel I am a master manipulator or a predator. I am then confronted with the same fear when I think about having a child. How will he or she know they can trust me after I discuss and write about the varieties of human sexuality? I ask myself that question every day now. It is a fear more than anything, an underlying anxiety. How can my friends trust me with their pets? How could my daughter trust me with herself? How could anyone’s parents trust me with their children?
I don’t expect anyone to trust me completely anymore. That is something that is gone. It is done and it is gone. I feel my risks have outweighed the negatives. I have done something very few people would have the courage to do. I have been honest about aspects of humanity that are not talked about not because the science is not there but because people are afraid to look at themselves. It is why the book resonates with some; the feelings expressed are a part of humanity’s collective unconscious.
To explain explicitly how I feel and what I mean and all of that. It can all be summed up this way when I emotionally bond with someone that can become sexualized. The more intimate I know someone the more likely I am to feel a slight tinge of sexual attraction. To put it broadly and as a universal rule, I believe that when someone becomes intensely intimate with another, that relationship can become sexualized regardless of age, family status, gender, or sex. It doesn’t need to be acted on. The person may not even Want to act on it, the feeling may be subtle.
Of course, of course, of course
These ‘of courses’ are rather suspect. For if you choose to let your vocation, your meaning, your thing inform your life. If you let your writing, your art, and your passion inform who you are as a person, pursue it through thick and thin, let it become you and humble you. Let it tell you that you are not all that and a bag of chips…
Because recently my writing has felt less than stellar. And as I write this, I hate it.
But alas come to enjoy myself nonetheless in the knowledge that though I may hate it I am still doing it. Completing it. Doing what I find most meaningful even if not the most happyful. This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is my Kierkegaardian vocation.
And yet I so desire to be known for doing something amazing, incredible, and great. And I can feel the potential in me for greatness, for genius, to really just do something that very few can do. And I don’t think that thing is writing. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling it would be more like doing something like making YouTube videos or streaming on twitch or helping children with special needs.
Speaking of sacrifice.
Sacrifice: Giving up one thing in order to gain something more valuable.
I will never be able to help children with special needs unless I hide my book from my employers. I do not hide in my life and so I will likely never be able to help children with special needs. It has been a longtime dream of mine to work with children with special needs. They have always touched the tenderest and best parts of me. I wish to help them and work hands-on with them, relate with them, and watch them grow at whatever they wish to grow at. It is all right, but it is a sacrifice. I continue to give to charity, financially is one way of helping though of course I always wished to help with my mind and body.
Speaking of fathers. My father has always helped me financially but never in mind and never in body. That is all right. I am so grateful for the life I have. I can write every day. I can play video games in the evening. His financial support has helped me grow into a wonderful human being. Thank you Dad.
